6:00 AM:
Chad’s eyes open. No alarm. His circadian rhythm is genetically optimised for efficiency. Six women are sleeping in his bed. He grabs his phone. 32 unread DMs from women he met yesterday at the supermarket. He deletes 28 without reading. “Desperate,” he mutters. To the remaining four, he sends: “
”. Instant replies: two addresses, a hotel keycode, and a voice note of heavy breathing, with nudes included in all four replies.
6:30 AM – Gym:
Chad walks into the gym, shirtless. A powerlifter mid-bench-press racks the bar and greets him. Chad curls the 100lb dumbells to warm up. A group of fitness influencers crowd around, phones trembling. One asks for advice. Chad grunts, “Breathe.” They take notes. Women “accidentally” drop their water bottles near him on a per minute basis. On his way out, the CEO is waiting outside to offer him a role as an executive. Chad rejects the offer.
8:00 AM – Breakfast:
Kevin, his housemate (a 34 year old balding accountant), serves chad his breakfast. 12 eggs with steak. Chad eats the steak in four bites. “Needs salt,” he says. Kevin scribbles this feedback into a journal. Chad doesn't even remember his name.
9:00 AM – “Work”:
Logs into his hedge fund “job” while sunbathing on his dad’s yacht. His task: forward 7 emails to his assistant. He adds a subject line: “lol.” He gets a promotion. Chad spends the next hour on Zoom, muted and shirtless as he checks his bank accounts. A Saudi prince DMs: “Teach me your ways.” Chad replies: “hard work”. The prince invites him to a royal wedding.
12:30 PM – Lunch:
Chad walks into a random restuarant, finds a group of hot women and joins them at the table. They immediately welcome him and laugh at everything he says or does. The owner recognizes him from instagram and tells him that he doesn't have to pay. A customer complains about Chad being shirtless. The owner bans him. Chad smirks. Thirteen waitresses ask for his number throughout his meal. Later he makes a group chat with all thirteen waitresses and sends: “sex?” The restuarant closes early.
3:00 PM – Tinder Session:
Chad swipes left on a Victoria’s Secret model. “Too skinny.” Swipes right on a medical student. Her bio: “NO HOOKUPS. HERE FOR MARRIAGE.” His opener: “?”. She Uber’s to her apartment key to him.
5:00 PM – Apartment Visit:
Chad uses the key. Lets himself into her apartment. She’s half way through an important meeting on Zoom. She pauses, looks at Chad, then disconnects the call. Chad takes her virginity then and there. He leaves the key in her fish tank.
7:00 PM – Frat Party:
Chad arrives at a frat party. The frat president pauses the party to introduce everyone to Chad. Women line up to arm-wrestle him. A physics major challenges him. Chad wins with his pinky. The physics major drops out of school out of embarrassment. A freshman hands Chad his girlfriend’s bra as a tribute. Little does he know, Chad has already seen this bra before.
10:00 PM – Wind Down:
Chad texts the medical student: “round 2?”. She replies: “Already unlocked.” He arrives. She’s naked and on all fours on the floor, waiting for Chad to do whatever he wants. They have sex for 2.5 hours. Chad leaves her apartment, steals cutlery on the way out and blocks her. “That was kinda mid” he thinks to himself.
2AM – Sleep:
Chad dreams. Women worldwide feel a shudder.
Chad’s eyes open. No alarm. His circadian rhythm is genetically optimised for efficiency. Six women are sleeping in his bed. He grabs his phone. 32 unread DMs from women he met yesterday at the supermarket. He deletes 28 without reading. “Desperate,” he mutters. To the remaining four, he sends: “
”. Instant replies: two addresses, a hotel keycode, and a voice note of heavy breathing, with nudes included in all four replies.6:30 AM – Gym:
Chad walks into the gym, shirtless. A powerlifter mid-bench-press racks the bar and greets him. Chad curls the 100lb dumbells to warm up. A group of fitness influencers crowd around, phones trembling. One asks for advice. Chad grunts, “Breathe.” They take notes. Women “accidentally” drop their water bottles near him on a per minute basis. On his way out, the CEO is waiting outside to offer him a role as an executive. Chad rejects the offer.
8:00 AM – Breakfast:
Kevin, his housemate (a 34 year old balding accountant), serves chad his breakfast. 12 eggs with steak. Chad eats the steak in four bites. “Needs salt,” he says. Kevin scribbles this feedback into a journal. Chad doesn't even remember his name.
9:00 AM – “Work”:
Logs into his hedge fund “job” while sunbathing on his dad’s yacht. His task: forward 7 emails to his assistant. He adds a subject line: “lol.” He gets a promotion. Chad spends the next hour on Zoom, muted and shirtless as he checks his bank accounts. A Saudi prince DMs: “Teach me your ways.” Chad replies: “hard work”. The prince invites him to a royal wedding.
12:30 PM – Lunch:
Chad walks into a random restuarant, finds a group of hot women and joins them at the table. They immediately welcome him and laugh at everything he says or does. The owner recognizes him from instagram and tells him that he doesn't have to pay. A customer complains about Chad being shirtless. The owner bans him. Chad smirks. Thirteen waitresses ask for his number throughout his meal. Later he makes a group chat with all thirteen waitresses and sends: “sex?” The restuarant closes early.
3:00 PM – Tinder Session:
Chad swipes left on a Victoria’s Secret model. “Too skinny.” Swipes right on a medical student. Her bio: “NO HOOKUPS. HERE FOR MARRIAGE.” His opener: “?”. She Uber’s to her apartment key to him.
5:00 PM – Apartment Visit:
Chad uses the key. Lets himself into her apartment. She’s half way through an important meeting on Zoom. She pauses, looks at Chad, then disconnects the call. Chad takes her virginity then and there. He leaves the key in her fish tank.
7:00 PM – Frat Party:
Chad arrives at a frat party. The frat president pauses the party to introduce everyone to Chad. Women line up to arm-wrestle him. A physics major challenges him. Chad wins with his pinky. The physics major drops out of school out of embarrassment. A freshman hands Chad his girlfriend’s bra as a tribute. Little does he know, Chad has already seen this bra before.
10:00 PM – Wind Down:
Chad texts the medical student: “round 2?”. She replies: “Already unlocked.” He arrives. She’s naked and on all fours on the floor, waiting for Chad to do whatever he wants. They have sex for 2.5 hours. Chad leaves her apartment, steals cutlery on the way out and blocks her. “That was kinda mid” he thinks to himself.
2AM – Sleep:
Chad dreams. Women worldwide feel a shudder.
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